Pops: Hello? Who is this?
Me: It’s your son.
Pops: Michael?
Me: You have another? Yes, it’s me! What are you doing?
Pops: I was waiting for Richard to come by. We’re going to go see the movie together.
Me: Richard? I don’t know him.
Pops: You met him before, didn’t you? Richard Liss. He’s a Jew.
Me: I don’t think so. That’s his last name? Liss? (laughing)
Pops: Yeah. I think it was shortened along the way. Why is that so funny?
Me: Really? You haven’t thought of it already?
Pops: Thought of what?
Me: What do some people named Richard go by?
Pops: Rick. Rich. Dick. Ohhhhh, Dick. Dick Liss.
Me: There you go! Does he ever go by Dick?
Pops: No. He likes to be called Richard.
Me: I can see why.
Pops: I’m going to call him Dick when he comes over. Dick Liss! Dick-less!! That’s how I’ll address him from now on. I want to introduce him to all the ladies now.
Me: (Still laughing) I don’t think he’ll appreciate that. I’m sure he’s had his share of that throughout his life already. Remember Uncle Gagin? How we used to call him Uncle Gay until the early 70’s and then he wanted everyone to call him Mac, so we started calling him Uncle Mac.
Pops: Yeah. I liked calling him Gay. It would make him angry and the veins in his forehead would pop out.
Me: I have to imagine you’ll get the same reaction from Richard today. You might want to go easy on that “Dick Liss”. Use it once for the laugh and then drop it. You may lose yet another friend.
Pops: You’re right. Patricia down the hall won’t even talk to me anymore.
Me: I don’t know her. Why won’t she talk to you?
Pops: Her last name is Mathers. So, whenever I see her I say, “And Patricia Mathers as the beaver”.
Me: Oh my. Did she even get the “Leave it to Beaver” reference?
Pops: I don’t know. Who cares? She’s a miserable bitch anyway.
Me: And you wonder why you have so few friends. Sheesh.
Pops: I gotta go. Dick-less is at the door. This is going to be fun. Bye.
lafnguy 